Red Rain... gotta love it! You just gotta.

Hack Job

I got an amazing deal on a Black & Decker Weed Wacker at a garage sale back in June. I was so excited! Finally, no more trimming with those giant scissors, which I had fallen out of love with years ago. This new baby is beautiful, orange and black, so sleek, looking like it means business, I couldn't wait to use it.

But wait, let's talk about the name Weed Wacker. Are we actually wacking any weeds? I know I'm not. I'm trimming the grass, "edging" if you will. So, why don't they call it the Black & Decker Edger? These things keep me up at night.

The first time I used this beast, I had no idea what I was in for, only that I should wear shoes. This is good advice, especially for me, because if anybody is gonna wack off a toe, it's gonna be me. Eye protection is also a good idea, maybe a welder's mask, to fend off the flying projectiles that inevitably spit up at your face. I opt for sunglasses in order to still look cool whilst wacking. I didn't feel so cool, however, when I got pinged on the tip of my nose by what must have been a tiny little knife. Not cool at all...

So I'm wacking, trying to get the feel for this thing, angling it as I'm swinging it back and forth. Every few seconds I'd move it wrong and hear that terrible sound which then revealed a butchered patch of grass. Oops.

I'm starting to feel really inept with this thing and I don't feel inept often. I can mow a lawn like nobody's business, plant and nurture a garden, paint the inside and outside of my house, fix things, assemble a barbecue and have put together my share of IKEA furniture over my lifetime. I can do stuff. So this thing, this wacker, is beating me. The honeymoon is over. My front lawn looks good but the scars are there and it hurts my pride. Where did I put those scissors...?

10" of Ridiculousness

While doing the quarterly cleaning of stuff n' such from my wallet, I came across a ridiculously long receipt from Home Depot. It wasn't the length of the receipt that really got me, about 10 inches, but rather the fact that there was only a single item purchased! I see this ALL the time and it's now become one of my top five pet peeves, following closely behind fruit flies and people who drive below the posted speed limit. So what's so important that Home Depot needs so much room on this receipt? What mind-blowing information are they giving me? Well, let's start off with the logo and store identifier, which takes up a good three inches at the top. Then we have the purchase, which in this case was a humungous poly tarp Jeff had me buy to cover up the cement as it was curing through hurricane force winds and pelting rain. THAT was a fun evening, with Jeff gone and me frantically trying to preserve the concrete pad. I was running outside every 5 minutes, pouncing on the flapping tarp that had come loose from its moorings, which were only pieces of 2x4's and large rocks. I can't imagine why they didn't hold... After battling Mother Nature for 30 minutes, I literally said out loud "screw this!" and went inside for the last time.

But I digress, back to the receipt for that damn tarp. After my purchase and total, method of payment, etc. we have a bar code. Why is there a bar code? Then return policy and date, yadda yadda yadda and their website so we can shop online. "You can do it. We can help!" Ok, you'd think that's enough, lots of information, maybe even too much but enough, stop there. But do they? No! Hey, I know, do you wanna enter for a chance to win a $1000 Home Depot gift card? What's that? You do? Well just read the next 4 inches of this receipt to find out what you need to do. You probably won't win the gift card but we will have succeeded in burdening you with a long receipt AND sucking another 15 minutes out of your life! Oh, and by the way, "no purchase necessary". The irony is killing me, is it killing you?

So, because I Google everything, really, everything. I was getting these calls on my cell phone from some 1-866 number which I constantly ignored by was still getting, literally every day, I finally Googled the phone number. I found out it was some poor fella probably in India who was hired by Fido to try and sell me long distance and other stuff I didn't need or I would've asked for it. Wouldn't you know it, about 30 minutes later I got another 1-866 call and after listening to the gent butcher my name, I kindly asked him to put me on the "do not call" list as I was advised on the website I found after Googling. Thank you once again Google! Now where was I?

Oh yes, I decided to Google the phrase "long receipt" for the heck of it. Not surprisingly I got some hits. Of course I got some hits! I've never typed anything in and NOT gotten hits, it's nuts. Well did you know that there is a "Long Receipt Club"? It's through Flickr and apparently anyone can join. People post pictures of their long receipts and then I guess they talk about them, helping each other cope.

Now I understand the need for receipts. I mean, how else would we buy something from Costco, use it for a week, then return it? I have yet to do this but hear it can be done and has been done. I'm most intrigued when people tell me you can return ANYTHING to Costco. Madness! But here's what I wish of Home Depot and other stores out there who feel the need to heap copious amounts of paper on me when I purchase one item. 4 inches! That's all I need. Come on, "you can do it, we can help"! If I wanna fill out a survey for a chance to win a pink pony, I'll call ya.